A few years ago, I lost a good friend.
To be clear: he didn’t die. Our relationship got sick and then died. I lost him as a friend.
We spent a lot of time together, got on well, and had a lot of really interesting conversations. It was the sort of relationship that’s hard to find (at least for me), and after all this time, I still miss the part he played in my life.
It’s mainly my fault. One of the reasons is because it felt like we were circling back to the same Covid-related topics, and weren’t getting anywhere. I could never predict specifically what he would say, but I always felt like I could predict the direction of what he would say.
At one point, I accused him of being “red pilled”. He didn’t take it well, we had words, that was that.
He texted me the following day. It was a thoughtful olive branch.
I didn’t reply. I had a lot on that day, and couldn’t find the words. I drafted a few replies over the course of the following days and weeks, and even got feedback from others. But ultimately, one day turned into two, which turned into a week, which turned into a month. And then it got too hard.
It’s mainly my fault. He could’ve messaged again, but it’s mainly on me.
Maybe the relationship was nearing its end. This wasn’t the only factor – perhaps it was just the most concrete one, and the easiest to explain and rationalise. But thinking about how things worked out still fills me with sadness and regret.
These conversations, where two people who have respect and affection for each other, but keep returning to a topic that isn’t especially positive, feel like conversational merry-go-rounds. It’s like one or more topics and disagreements have a certain type of gravity that forces them to be relitigated, over and over.
In general my response is to try to avoid them, by diverting the conversation elsewhere. But sometimes , in the context of some relationships, they feel unavoidable.
Below is what I wish I’d done with my friend. Even if it wouldn’t have saved the relationship, it would have given me the ability to consider, at a later time, what my own shortcomings were, and how to improve in the future.
It involves having a series of recorded conversations. In essence, a private podcast for two.
Basically, I wish we’d had a series of recorded conversations, that we each could listen to between conversations.
The first conversation wouldn’t have required any preparation. It would have covered the ground of we’d already been discussing.
The difference, however, is that we would both had a chance to listen to our conversation, and pick up things we missed the first time. To listen to the conversation without having an immediate opportunity to interject – of listening , without having to think about what to say. To identify where we ourselves had misspoken or not articulated our views very well. To identify facts and opinions, what could be verified, and how different values were weighed.
To, hopefully, get a better perspective on the scope and nature of our actual disagreement.
This could then have informed our next conversation, and each of our following conversations. After each conversation, both of us would have had an opportunity to listen, reflect, and fact check. We’d have been able to meet again, having more nuanced and engaging conversations.
Over time, my hope and expectation is that it would have given us a better opportunity to work out what exactly we agreed upon, and where our views diverged. We would have had a better understanding of fundamental understandings, perceptions, interpretations, and values that informed our views.
My guess is that after this process, we would still have disagreed. Part of this will have been because I’m human, and can be stubborn and prideful, as much as I try not to be. Another is that we might have disagreed, but have had a better understanding of why we disagree. For example, we might have better appreciated how each of us put more emphasis or weight on certain parts of an argument, or different views on probabilities of certain events happening (or not), and their likely consequences.
My guess is that we’d ultimately have had a better understanding of how our values and priorities differed.
And hopefully, god willing, we would have hopped off the conversational merry-go-round and spent our time discussing other interesting things. And the friendship would have survived.
Maybe this wouldn’t have helped. Either our views were irreconcilable, or there were other factors that contributed to the end of the relationship.
But at minimum, as I reflect on the relationship several years hence, still slightly emotional but much less so, I would have had the ability to listen to our conversations again. With the benefit of fresh ears, I might see where I was wrong, either substantively, or in terms of how I communicated, and even in terms of how much (or little) I respected certain subjective judgements.
At minimum, I’d have a more accurate idea of what we actually believed. From today’s vantage, I could give my perspective on what we discussed and our different views, but I’m sure they’re different from his memory. I’m sure that both of our memories are flawed in very fundamental ways. A historical record would be interesting.
On top of this, I might have had yet another gift from our relationship – beyond the many hours we got to enjoy together before things fell apart.
I would also have an additional gift, of self-insight, and the ability to deal with these conversations with loved ones a little more effectively in the future.